My family wants me to dress like a retarded gnome gangster

CelestaI am the type of person who has got this ‘fragile-sinus-construction-glued-to-her-face’ kind of girl (or meanwhile maybe it is middle aged woman) and gets sick whenever the cold air is in town or whenever it is windy.

I’ve had this all my life, just like my grandma did. My mom called me the barking dog at night and accused me always with: “you were barking like crazy again tonight”. I always blamed the non-existing dog from the neighbors as the possible night barker; but she assured me that wasn’t the case.

It just is insane that on a tropical day at the beach in Italy at 30 degrees celsius and a huge amount of wind; I get sick instantly on my feet.

So usually I walk down the streets totally unrecognizable wrapped in a don’t-catch-a-cold outfit.

Left over winter is coming…

Winter is coming again; or what is left of ‘winter’ anyway. And husband and daughter unanimous agreed that it would be better to dress myself better than ever. So I wouldn’t be accused for destroying all my neighbor’s night peace all winter long.

Creepy capFor €5,95 they force this multi functional bivouac ski cap on to me. I don’t exactly know if they are just ashamed of me that they will force me to hide my whole self or maybe they don’t want to be infected anymore whenever I cough their eye balls full with whatever comes out when you’ve got a serious cold and cough. But there must be some reason why I all of a sudden have to cover myself like a bank robber or night fisherman (fisher woman in this case).

Creepy, warm and handy…..I guess

One thing is for sure: it sure looks like this creepy cover thing will protect your whole being from collecting more #metoo’s than I have now, they probably hit the road anyway because of thinking I should rob them from their set of bollocks. I guess it would also make a great barrier so I can’t get a snotty head after I hit the windy streets.

It’s made of fleece and “it keeps your face warm during the winter” which is great, although I don’t go outside very much, but if I do I’m going to embarrass myself real good from now on!

balaclava

No offense to other people who thought buying this daunting warriors outfit was a good idea. I’ll bet that if you are busy with your ninjutsu ; there should be no problem. But I’m not; I’ve never even heard of this word in my entire life until I searched the internet just now.

You see, the thing is when you live in an -418 degrees celsius environment, or you walk on a ski piste than it looks alright. But if you only go to the supermarket in a 15 degrees celsius environment or go shopping for a gala dress or having a business appointment then I assume it is going to feel kind of weird. Not sure if I’m ready for that. Then I’ll have to scream loud to people staring at me: “hey I have a sensitive nose alright”!!!

Unless you go shopping for a cargo sanitary napkins or you go out without makeup or with a mega pimple then it is most suitable and allowed.

Warm & handy

This Super embarrassing piece of fabric is also incredibly convenient because of the many ways to wear; at least they mention in their sales propaganda.

You can wear the stupid garment as hat, scarf, balaclava or even as bag; but I’m not really sure what they mean by that? Does that mean I go sit in the thing or does it mean I put the thing as a bag on my head?

But as I check the pictures they obviously mean you also can make a bag out of the head warmer. So why don’t they write that in the first place?

Ski cap

And that ‘balaclava‘ chatter; what do they insinuate here? ‘With the handy drawstrings on both sides you can pull the hat real tight’. Do I want that really? First of all you make me look like a complete moron who’s already lousy reputation gets damaged. Then you want me to look like an even unhealthy distorted human specie by letting me walk around as if I am a written off coffee importer business woman been pushed through an automated coffee machine.

Ventilating and isolating

Hyper ventilating they probably mean.

‘The fabric isolates the heat so you can’t get cold ears, nose or neck and catch a cold. In addition; fleece is a substance not stifled, it keeps you easy ventilated and can therefore dress yourself as thick as you want.’

So in other words: you are already dressed like a walking sauna and now you want me to top dress meself and propel as a little Michelin Man.

Pink ski capWelll..I don’t know yet; shall I also pick a color which will make me a sexy Michelina? Or like Ninja black or as Little Red Riding Hood or wait; as a Pink cupcake!! Yeah I was already planning on going to experience life through pink glasses from now on…..I think.

Oh well.. too late… they already ordered me 2 black scary ones. They didn’t even discuss if my very thick mop of hair will fit in the 60cm girth of the stupid thing. How do I manage that? Should I scram that in? If I do that, there will be a huge visible bulging so that it looks like having a pregnant head.

I already feel sleepless nights ahead in the make because there might be a chance I could get caught and then they would put me in jail because I will look like a retarded gangster.

To be continued….

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