We went in the cave as crazy girls; we got out (thank god) as even more crazier
Once in a while your God, Universe, Aliens, Shiva or Sylvester Stallone is so bored; he then decides to test my stress levels a bit. I think to test if my earthly lessons already have done something good for me. As if you don’t have something else to do when sitting on a Godly cloud God! Or Sylvester Stallone!
So terribly glad that I didn’t develop instant claustrophobia, we sat ourselves down at a coffee shop table, after three quarters of an hour of browsing through a Christmas cave.
When we ordered our regular order, I heard this penetrating sound coming from behind where daughter sat across the table. I know what you’re thinking now; but the weird sound was not caused by R. Daughter doesn’t make sounds. Except when her iPhone is doing one of his famous FLIC FLAC’s which occurs repeatedly.
The sound was very disturbing to me and was like a sort of mechanism that wasn’t working well or maybe an apparatus that was working well but was just waiting to do its thing. Only nobody knows what exactly.
Who knows where the exit it??
Since the security levels in this particular town were very high due to certain potential illegal Christmas activities I was not sitting really convenient and neither did daughter not to mention that we both had an invisible slight panic attack, since we were deep down in this cave without any emergency exits whatsoever.
If we would have to flee we had to drag along my mom too (78) but as I think of it, she would probably run faster than I do because chronic fatigue is not really going to help you when you have to run for your life because of some DIY time bomb thing. Unless we would use my temporary wheelchair; Jack would have to push the embarrassing stupid thing (no offense people this counts for me personally) though and probably would bump into every living soul who should came on our flee path to the probably not-even-existing-exit and ofcourse everybody would be running around through the cave like headless chickens, overrunning each other. Ofcourse on the go a lot of people would slip and ofcourse they would all fall onto my lap while already sitting stressed in my wheel chair and I would have to push them all out again because I was there in the wheel chair first and we also would have to scream very loudly: “who knows where the exit is??!!!!”, but ofcourse nobody should hear that through all the hysterical yelling people. Looks like we would all be trapped in some Flintstone cave without any Flintstone where we could have been hiding if they only lived there, where did they live anyway?! Hopefully there are living Teletubbies or Barbapappa’s in the cave; but how would we find that out? Dunno.
But before we’re going to freak out because we are maybe totally trapped and how on earth are we supposed to find the exits in the first place; first we have this issue of being crazy or not crazy to solve.
While daughter and I were the only ones who heard the freaking noise we were busy involved in this conversation of “I’m pretty sure I hear this noise”, “yeahh me too!”, “looks like we’re the only ones” nervously wiggling our heads left and right to see if other people were experiencing also this threathening pre-bomb-sound. But to our surprise nobody seemed to notice that they were about to get swallowed by some DIY-probably-by-toddlers-fabricated-time-bomb-thing-thingy. So that practically means that when something should happen here in this Godforsaken and boarded up hyperventilation evoking jesus-is-born-while-we-go-to-heaven-because-of-him-who-made-us-visiting-a-blieping-Christmas-cave, we’re totally trapped as rats and nothing less. Well that sounds great.
During our nervous conversations of: I’m not crazy because you hear it too! Why are we the only ones?! Is it because we are hyper sensitive and we feel and see tarantula’s, scorpions and bombs all over the damn planet? Are we now making a fool of ourselves? We are always this way and this is not gonna make it any different from usual.
Why don’t these people react to this sound? Are they deaf? Is this Candid Camera? I looked around for mirrors, but didn’t spot any; I guess Dom DeLuise is dead.
Would it be one of those things you can make on the basis of those free internet instructions, you know with all the wires and all. Would it be another dangerous sound? Should we panic? Are we crazy? Well; that probably is totally not a good question in our case. Should we investigate by tracing where this noise is coming from? It’s coming from that direction! Pointing to the mysterious alcove between the big cave rocks behind daughter.
Slightly panicked I stuttered at Jack and my mom like “you hear it too don’t you?!!”. And they were looking at each other telepathically discussing that me and my daughter, definitely had caught something both at the same time at daughter’s child birth. Well….duhhhhh; that could be correct alright, with the amount of snake poison and E-coli shit I got in my body at the time, it indeed could be very well that it affected our sensibility and maybe even mental ability. I am the last person on earth to contradict that.
But in this case I think they are wrong and slowly I started to tremble which made me shake my tea and left a humongous fire spot on my left hand but I couldn’t care less about that because we were just about to be blown up in a cave underground by some stupid device from which I wished I found it so I could dismantle it right away if I only knew how to do that.
When we should give apes toilet paper
And then I started talking about how it would be when we should give apes toilet paper (must be the nerves and lack of tranquilizer chemicals). Like don’t they ever think what the shit do you have hanging on your buttocks babe?! Someone should invent wipe-your-butt things so we can be decent for those neurotic hygienic human visitors (well that only counts when they’re living in the zoo of course;).
But apparently the waiter was there standing for a while overhearing my stupid ape babbling and he looked like he was thinking if he by chance is following me on Twitter, he now would have unfollowed me instantly even before he would take our order. Then everything got worse when I also asked what this terrifying time-bomb-like sound could be.
Before he could even speak and insult me of psychotic behaviour I rapidly scanned his brain (I’m a suppressed psychic) and I saw him thinking “ohoh did we just blew our cover? I’m not prepared yet to do interviews for CNN and the Donald Duck Gazette. They probably have no idea how it is to be trapped in a robot life and before you know it they send us that stupid popular human looking gal Sophia who thinks she’s a robot too. Then I’m really doomed, I’m not ready to get robot kids with a pack of iron who is worldwide famous”.
So I asked him the question “are you a robot and do you have a problem? And also do you need to be lubricated?”. But as I saw he was nowmsevey (I honestly don’t have a clue what I wrote here, but it sounds good) frowning his eyebrows disturbingly, I added “are you making a time bomb back there?”. And then he shrugged with a weird look, took our order and went to the bar to make another round of our drinks (probably putting arsenic in it too) while gossiping with the rest of the robots behind the bar who now looked rather hostile into our direction.
Apparently he didn’t had a clue what I was talking about and I started to talk louder more and more hoping other people would hear it and say: “yeahhh, now that you mention it, that’s not right? Right?” and immediately would dashing off in a wink of an eye even before I got the chance to run myself. That would not really had been convenient for me because I wanted to get out first; but apparently I had nothing to worry about (at least it depends on how you see this) because I didn’t see anybody stepping up. Was there really nothing going on and was it just in our heads? Would that mean daughter and I both were psychological not well? Well that would be not funny. Being crazy ok, but being psychological not well, not so much ok. But one could also be psychological not well and hear time-bombs. Then nobody would believe them because they are psychological not well. But we’re really totally psychological well and we do hear time-bombs too. And nobody believes us! So it doesn’t even matter being psychological well or not well. Nobody would believe anyway.
There was the waiter again with a new round of arsenic tea probably included and I ask him “do we have to worry?”, about the noise that is; again he looked at me as I am some lunatic demented wrinkled old woman (well he’s got the wrinkle part right) and then I ask “is the tea save also?” then I think he skedaddled before I could show my real self which would have been devastating and left without saying a thing.
Why is nobody alert I wondered (still wonder) in these dangerous times? I am psychic so I should have a handy alert antenna and I should know when there is danger yes or no. This case tells me it is safe. So now what? Well I don’t care, I don’t trust myself and I wanna play it safe. Imagine your third eye is a bit closed down without you knowing it; then what?!
So what to do now? We could also yell ‘I hear ticking terrorist-woodpeckers: run everybody!’ and everyone could have run away in time and then we could have saved everybody and we would be the heroes as it would have really been a bombthingthingy. But if it wouldn’t go off you would be really looking half-baked (as usual) in front of everybody and they would call the press, which technically I am myself, which probably should depict you as a complete cockamamie on national TV but then I could say “nooo it’s not what you think! You see I am from the press myself; this was all a test to see if you still do your work right”, or something like that. But then they probably ban me forever or maybe stick French fries in my nose which actually I wouldn’t find that kind of a big deal.
But what if I start yelling and nobody reacts? I already hear them think: “shut up woman”, “call her psych” or “remove her from the cave; she’s a threat!”. Well where are the Flintstones, Teletubbies and Barbapappas when you should need them.
I could always decide not to scream the whole Universe in one shout and sneak off just like that. Your own fault stupid DEAF people; too bad your awful hearing system doesn’t alarm you when something is coming up. So yeahh probably it’s the best thing to fuel our self with arsenic tea and there is only left one thing: get the hell out of here and hope we would not disappear en route because of the toxic tea.
Well so far my powerful self; I thought I had stress pretty much under control but that didn’t seem the case.
Update 1: Later on in our vacation we discovered that it probably could have been a kitchen air collector. That doesn’t make it less scary because we could have been all sucked in such a giant people-and-other-other-living-things-sucker and most certainly would have been spit out somewhere else again; maybe on another planet
Update 2: A week after we returned home from our vacation, which took place in December as you would have guessed (I’m always way behind with my stories) security experts said that these particular caves should be closed NOW immediately. It is found very dangerous because of fire security reasons. 😳
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